if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
