I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
