Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
She needs sedatives and a leash
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
