I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Randomize
