I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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