You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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