FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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