I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize