At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
