he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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