i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
