Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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