Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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