words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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