You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
