Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
