I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
