just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
