its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
