I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
