dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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