I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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