I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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