K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I could make wine with my vomit
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
