I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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