dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
