you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
