I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
