3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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