i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
