In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
