I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
