I'm really into asian looking animals
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
