i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
