A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
