Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
