I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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