there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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