the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
