Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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