i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
