After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
