Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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