I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
