so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
