I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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