You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I think a kid would responsible me up
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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