it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
