It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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