apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
