So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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