The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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