yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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