textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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