My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
