They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize