Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
