Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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