im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
