just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
