One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
