I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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