Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize